MY WRITINGS ON THE WALL: 121318

It was just after midnight,

The air was cold,

Yet deep inside I felt warm.

Strolling along the winding streets,

Walking hand in hand

MY WRITINGS ON THE WALL: Wither

That day,

That day you told me about her

Was the day everything came crumbling down on me.

I couldn’t speak.

I couldn’t breath.

I couldn’t cry.

My Introverted Self

I am extremely introverted.

I prefer doing things alone.

I find comfort in solitude and seclusion.

Staying at home, reading a book, watching TV, listening to music, keeps me calm.

Yet, at times, I do crave for some feeling of belongingness.

Dear Future Sandee

Hi Sandee,

I am you – writing from the past that is. I want to write the future me a letter to remind you that life isn’t always bad. It may not work out the way you plan it would. but everything eventually works out in the end. I know it might not seem like it right now but it will.

Currently, I am writing in the present, but when you read this again, it might probably be sometime in the future. Not sure when you’ll reread this but I hope you will. It’s possible that my circumstances might have already changed by then – who knows? Things might have gotten better for me, or gotten worse. I might have made more wrong decisions that would affect you, my future self, so let me apologize to you in advance for that. I’m only human by the way. We both are. But know that I am still trying my best to make things work. I am struggling to still make myself the best version of myself that I can be. I am still working my way through finally finding that happiness I have been longing for.

I’m sure you know, 2019 wasn’t the best year for us, and so were the many other years before that. I haven’t had the best year in a while. I used to love reading, writing, blogging, but I lost all interest in doing anything for the past few years. Things that I am passionate about suddenly stopped being interesting to me. I became extremely lethargic about doing things I love. Things were happening in my life, left and right, leaving me with no room for myself. There was no room to only focus on me and the things that I love. Whether it’s finances, career, family, relationships, everything around me was falling apart – there was nothing I could do to stop any of it.

I succumbed to depression. My anxiety has gotten worse. I stopped trusting people. I drifted away further from everyone. I was rarely getting enough sleep. I couldn’t focus on one thing for a long time. I stopped being productive. I stopped trying to do things. I stopped being myself. I couldn’t even recognize who this girl was anymore.

So dear Sandee, in the future, if you encounter things that would dishearten you or bring you down, please don’t make my mistakes. Please don’t give in to the thoughts inside your head feeding you with nonsense like how you are not good enough and that you will fail in whatever you want to do. Know that you are stronger than you think. Know that inside you, there is a strong woman who has been through a lot of shit yet is still here fighting her way through life like the warrior that she is.

I lost a fraction of my life giving in to the things that are trying to pull me away from the things that I really want to do. I lost track of how many times I have given in to the wishes of others when I couldn’t even give in to my own wishes. I lost a lot of time worrying about what will happen in the future because my anxiety-stricken brain always gets me worried about everything. My life has not been my own. Our life has not been ours for a long time. Please, make sure to live life as much as you possibly can.

I’ve always wanted to travel. If in case that I am not able to do that, remember that you should. I’ve always wanted to blog and share my thoughts to everyone who would listen. If I was not able do, then in the future, do it for yourself.

Always remember that money could be earned again but experiences would last you a lifetime – they are things that you could never buy with any amount of money in the world. Experience life. Experience the beauty of living in the moment. Don’t worry too much. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Learn to live life as it goes. Everything will eventually figure things out. They always do.

Let me remind you of something that you always seem to forget: Love yourself more. Your self-worth should not be determined by anyone else but yourself. The love that you have always been looking for is right inside you – if you could only look inside yourself. It is there. Other people will disappoint you, but not you. Love yourself first. Put yourself first. Always.

I can’t promise that 2020 would not be another 2019; however, we can sure as hell try to make it far better than the years before. I will promise to do the best I can to live my life as fully as possible this year.

MY WRITINGS ON THE WALL: You and Me

Everyday, I thank the Lord for all the things I have gone through, each and every pain I encountered, because it all led me to you. All my mistakes, all the wrong decisions, they don’t matter now that you’re here with me. Somehow, were those mistakes really mistakes, if they all directed me to you, the other half of my soul?